Reflections, realisations and resolutions

My resolution for this year was to write more poetry. I can safely say that I stuck to it very closely, writing one hundred and fifty four poems. Can I get a "whoop whoop!"? No? Okay. I won't hold it against you. Killjoy.

In terms of poetry, this year has certainly had its ups and downs. One of my creative low points has got to be writing a poem about the flexibility of eyebrows. Or those three awful poems I wrote while drunk. I shudder at the memories.

I was, however, able to write what I think is pure poetic gold (for me anyway) and entered my best poems for competitions which close early on in 2014. So I still don't know whether or not I've won. My money is on not, but at least I had the guts to enter. Before this year, I never would have dreamed of entering any poetry competitions.

I was searching for a new resolution for 2014 the entire month of December and it came to me like lightning through a clear night sky: I should speak out more. Looking back at my year, I realised that of all the things I wanted to achieve (begin learning Japanese, get back into art, write a collaboration, spend more time with my family), I never once made a move to get into spoken word poetry. The closest I came was reading some poems to my friend on the tube in a fairly average inside voice. Which, let's be honest, isn't anything to brag about in terms of a poetry performance.

2014 shall be the year I stop making excuses and claiming to want to perform my poetry. It shall be the year I actually do it. I won't let fear hold me back. I'll just go for it: seize the opportunities that come towards me with both hands. Or try really hard to, at least.

But my resolution to 'speak out' isn't just about poetry. I want to apply it across certain aspects of my life: 1) at home, 2) in class, and 3) to strangers.

1) At home I suffer from a condition called MCS, which is Middle Child Syndrome. My 'twin' brother also suffers from it. As middle kids we basically get ignored a lot - sometimes even in mid-conversation. It's funny the things we can get away with saying because nobody is actually listening to us, although it can be quite frustrating. Like when everybody in the house has dinner and they all forgot that I also eat food. Not fun. Speaking out (and louder, and longer, and lots, lots more) will probably help cure this.

2) I realised that back in school, all my teachers said the same thing to my parents on academic review days "Terri is really intelligent, gets her work done... But she talks too much". I guess their complaints left a lasting impression on me because in uni I rarely speak in class. Sometimes the tutor will ask a question, nobody will say anything, I'll have the answer in my mind but I'll never breathe a word of it out loud. Then when the tutor tells us the answer, I congratulate myself for knowing whilst simultaneously kicking myself for not speaking up. This will change for 2014.

3) The strangers thing isn't so much strangers (I was taught stranger danger as a kid), but more about those people I see on a regular basis and completely ignore. It's not because I think I'm all cool and aloof, it's because I'm honestly too awkward to make conversation. I've learned that it really isn't that difficult to say "hi" to people; I just made the mistake of learning this through a visiting student really late in the term. By the time I was all ready to declare her my friend, she was leaving for Minnesota and I was left feeling stupid.

So yes, these are the areas of my life that I would like to improve using the simple principle of speaking out more. Hopefully all goes well and if it doesn't? Then at least I'll have interesting things to blog about!

Here's a small selection of poems I wrote throughout the year. Some have been shown to close friends. Some have never before seen the light of day. Instead of giving my poems titles, I numbered them so I could know exactly how many I've written in a year. It's a tradition that I think I'd like to carry on because who needs titles?

13

There's this little thing called 'poetry',

It's tricky, delicate, often inspiring.

Some can do it.

I can't.

22

Paper is a delicacy, words written down are law.

Combining the two is a treasure to me,

Watch my ideas take flight and soar.

51

The cracks are finally showing

Clear upon your skin,

It's revealing the shallow person

Who's been hiding from within.

And is it worth the knowing

That you're a total flake?

Can our friendship survive

All of your 'mistakes'?

I guess I'll keep on going

With the benefit of doubt.

I'd rather have a crap friend

Than be lonely and without.

83

There is no such thing

As

Honesty.

84

But if there were

Could it be pinned down

Identified

Quantified

Could it be seen?

115

Crumbs at my feet,

On my bag,

Up my sleeve.

Why can't I eat

With some sort of neat

Grace?

140

Walking into a brick wall

Stuck in narrow perceptions

No room for evolution

Can't bear progression

Trapped in the lonely box of prejudice

Walking into a brick wall.

149

Swollen

Like my fingers in the cold

Your head once my feelings were involved

Is grossly large, and ugly.

Like your heart and

Similar to your soul.